Tuesday, June 8, 2010

On being a Medicated Mother

It's strange. Not usually one to be lost for words, I have found myself over the last few months writing numerous posts around what I guess I would call 'domestic' themes - parenting issues, meal planning, sustainability, trying to find balance, ethical eating, blah blah blah - and not being able to follow through on any of them. I've been drawn to some thought-provoking posts along similar themes on other blogs, and wanted to join in the conversations, but my own thoughts are still sitting there in Blogger draft, fragmented and incoherent, much like the piles of hexagons awaiting me on the craft table. 

Well I think I've identified the cause of my writer's block. It's my desire to be genuine, and my need to make clear (before I spout any opinions about being a stay-at-home mother) that there is something I haven't mentioned here much which nonetheless exerts a large influence over how I think and act.

You see, I'm a Medicated Mother.


It was only a matter of weeks after the birth of my first child that we started wondering about post-natal depression. It was hard to identify, given that we were in the throes of new parenthood with a babe who wasn't feeding or sleeping at all well. How could we differentiate depression from a 'normal' reaction to the universally massive paradigm shift that is first-time parenthood? 

But as the weeks went by, it became increasingly clear. Never a clucky woman, I'd expected to find motherhood challenging on all sorts of levels. I'd assumed that in having a child, I would be forced to grapple with my inherent selfishness and desire for independence, and that I would at times feel stifled, resentful, bored. Perhaps I would even struggle to love my child. I was not expecting to embrace motherhood with ease or be a natural, earth-mother type. I had therefore given myself permission to go slowly, to feel the tensions, to learn to adapt, and thought in doing so that I was depression-proofing myself.

I think this is partly why I was blindsided by PND. Because for me PND had nothing to do with these things. 

I adored my baby boy, absolutely and utterly. I was ready to do anything for him. And yet, I was in the grip of what felt like a physical and mental breakdown. An overwhelming sense of fear and doom. Physical waves of panic. Inability to do the most simple daily tasks - I couldn't understand how I could possibly feed myself or wash the dishes AND look after this child. Constant negative thoughts, ruminations and obsessions, particularly about my baby boy's feeding and sleeping patterns. Extreme lack of confidence in my abilities (would I ever find it easy to change a nappy? Put my babe down for a nap? Breastfeed in public? Dress myself again?). Insomnia, lying in bed with my heart pounding and mind racing even when my baby was actually sleeping. Paranoia that my husband would leave me. 

William, 4 weeks old

We tried to find the right help but hit brick walls all over the place. It was about eight weeks in when an acquaintance, a kind, firm, ex-maternal health nurse, visited. After listening to everything that I had been thinking, feeling and doing, she said 'my dear, you're really not well. And you don't have to feel this way.' It was then that I started to accept the possibility that what I was experiencing was not just some personal weakness and failing that I had to overcome by myself, but an illness that needed intervention.

The good news? I got intervention in the form of a month-long hospital stay with my baby boy. During our time I settled onto anti-anxiety medication, worked on our mother-baby routines and relationship, and learned many useful strategies - including crafting! - for counteracting and dissipating anxious thoughts and feelings. I responded incredibly well, and incredibly quickly, to medication and care.

My husband will testify that I left that hospital a different person, and barely looked back. The person who came out was far more optimistic, open to new things, and lighter-of-spirit than the one who had gone in. We have often reflected that my PND has been something of a blessing in disguise for our family, forcing us to face head-on some of the big issues surrounding parenthood and its effects on the marriage relationship. Much personal growth came out of the horror - I learned to enjoy my own company, to lower expectations, to be adaptable, to find and create meaning in the small things. I continued on the medication through the gestation and birth of our second son, and experienced no traces of PND.

Justin, Charlie (1 week old), William, Gina

A few months ago I made the mistake of stopping my anti-anxiety medication for a while. I had been taking it for three years straight, and wondered whether it was necessary any more. I guess for a long time I have felt so very normal, and quite distant from that labelled woman of three years ago, the one with PND, the one who went loopy. It was a heavy disappointment to recognise after a month of 'normalcy' that the signs of anxiety were beginning to manifest and spiral all over again, albeit in a more gradual way. 

Although it brought back some feelings of shame and inadequacy, I have chosen to embrace the medication once again. I have certainly grown a heck of a lot in self-understanding and new ways of thinking these last three years, but clearly not enough to dig myself up from the mire of depression without assistance. Whatever broke three years back remains, to some degree, broken. And while this is a blow to my pride, that I cannot cure myself, life with small children is no time to be letting pride get in the way of feeling well.  

Medication does not make me the mother that I am. It does not manipulate my actions or predetermine my reactions. Instead, it gives me the ability to choose; to choose a life-affirming, problem-solving, less self-critical approach to motherhood. Without it, I am swamped by uncontrollable sensations and feel incapable of those choices. In choosing medication, I choose Choice.

I am a Medicated Mother. And I'm ok.


86 comments:

  1. You're more than OK, Mama Gina, you are awesomely awesome and pretty damn cute too, all perched in front of your new quilt there. I'm glad you dragged this post out of the clutches of the drafts file. It's beautifully written, honest and brave. Yay for you and yay for modern medicine. xx

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  2. {my head cannot quite fathom a very good comment to you here} but i wanted to send my love. and deep thanks for finding these words.

    i think that as a mama, i feel that i should know everything and be the best mama in the world, and that it should all be instinctual. my own mama was so strong and sure in her mothering of us all - i often feel close to inadequate and not nearly as good as she ever was.

    but then i remind myself that whoever i am, in whatever way my life is now (not the earth mother i thought i'd be, but other things, something else) that i am the best i can be for my children. as long as i'm honest to myself, as long as i understand when i need my moments, myself, to look after myself in order to look after my family.
    hugs.. xxx
    {ps - i'll contact you in a few days about the scraps i'm sending you....time's been slipping from my fingers lately}.

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  3. Great honesty and reality, Ms Clutterpunk. Being a mother is the hardest thing, and I think you're doing a super job.

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  4. 'OK' is not a word I would use to describe you Gina. Inspiring! Intelligent! Creative! Caring!

    Thank you for sharing a little more of yourself:-)

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  5. thank you Gina! thank you for opening up and writing this.
    from what I have seen and from our few conversations you are a pretty awesome person & I am sure that that goes for being a mum and partner aswell.
    so what if you need something to facilitate everyday life.
    I suffered from depression just before getting pregnant so had to stop any medication, had counselling and even recently I can see it resurfacing in headaches and battle with things each day.
    i love your honesty and your beautiful post.
    sending you hugs and hope to have that cuppa with you sometime soon

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  6. Hey Gina,
    I'm not a mother but I just wanted to say bravo for having the strength and courage to be so open about your experiences.

    I recently lost a much loved cousin who suffered from depression (her passing was actually health related) and I know that she often struggled with what she felt was shame that she needed her medication to help her feel more balanced.

    Your words can only help others who are experiencing similar situations and increase an understanding of the issue.

    Thanks so much for sharing!

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  7. I've followed your blog for a few months quietly, but now i feel i have to react.

    11 years ago i gave birth to my eldest and after half a year living on the edge i broke down. I didn't choose for medication because i had help from mother and husband, but certainly i understand why others make another choise. It still is the same struggle for sanity... After 2 years i was slightly feeling better and 5 years after our first we had our second child. And alltough it was heavy i did make it. But really feeling in controll of life, thats like just a few months old...

    I think you're a really really strong and brave woman and alltough i believe that without medication you will be able to get over all the things that did create this, this probably is not the time to do that. Now you have to look after them and it is wonderfull how you manage that! I often read your blog and it amazed me how you can give yourself to making them happy and fill your life (and theirs!!) with joy and beauty!!!

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  8. Oh my gosh, what a powerful post! Good for you for choosing and embracing what you think is best for your family. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

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  9. I think this is the most beautiful blog post I have read yet. It's bravery and honesty and power has me with a right, royally unswallow-able lump in my throat. Damn it G. You are amazing.

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  10. This was beautiful Gina, as is characteristic of your writing. I think you'll find that many of us are in the same boat, but too appalled at the thought of being thought less of to admit it. Celexa makes the difference between raving madwoman and functional mum in our house.

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  11. Hi Gina. What an honest, interesting and thought provoking post. I too suffered badly after the birth of my first. My Mum died unexpectedly just 3 weeks before she was born, and my grief manifested itself into PND. I understand what it's like, but I had a great health visitor who helped me in other ways which meant that I didn't go down the medication route....On a lighter note I finally found and ordered some fabric which I hope you will like. The apron is 75% made and should be winging it's way around the world to you soon.xxx

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  12. From one medicated mama to another - BRAVO sister!

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  13. Thank you so much for your honesty. I know it takes courage to tell the real truth about your story, and I applaud you! Your beauty shines.

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  14. Great post Gina. I'm glad you had people there at the time to help you out and give you a break. Thank goodness! There's a lot of myths about anti-depressants and other medication that influences the chemical balance of the brain - but thank goodness these drugs exist. I know so many people who would not have been able to cope without them. Yay for you!

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  15. Thanks so much for sharing this. It's great to read something so honest. I know from the experience of a close loved one what a difference getting help can make. I'm glad you were surrounded by people who supported you in taking that step.

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  16. Great post! I suffered from post-natal (or postpartum as we call it here in the US) depression after having my second child. I hated the feelings of inadequacy and the fact that I couldn't "fix myself" on my own. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You explained my feelings exactly.

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  17. Oh Gina, you truly are a beautiful woman :) The pressure we put on ourselves as women and mothers is just too much. It shouldn't be shameful that you, and many, many others are dealing with these things on a daily basis, but somehow we make it so. Thank you for sharing this and shining a light for others.

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  18. Hello I have read your most recent post with so much respect for your openness and self awareness. I am not a mother but I suffer with depression and have taken medication for a numebr of years. By coincidence a year ago this very week I had another bad spell that resulted in about two months of being 'out of circulation'. Like you crafting has helped me through, as has my craft blog. I have been very wary of writing about it though and have really only just touched on it. You are very brave to write so frankly and I hope it helps you.

    It took me some time to accept that I am likely remain on medication for a long time but if I had another type of condition that would be the case so why not this.

    You have beautiful boys and I am glad you are well. Take strength from your family and enjoy xx

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  19. Thanks for sharing Gina. I'm still not ready to share my story with PND. You explained it all so perfectly, it was like reading my own story, but I didn't get as great a help as you seemed to have received. You are very brave and strong :-)

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  20. A great post Gina, refreshingly honest. It is a hard gig x

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  21. it was only about two years after i had my first child that i realised that the fog i had lived in was probably pnd. this all happened 16 years ago when it was probably not as well diagnosed as it is these days. in hindsight i probably was depressed for about a year - nothing too major, but it was like someone had switched off my emotions, apart from the ones that feel doom and gloom. i love that you are sharing your story - more people should do it so that the world realises that it's ok to have pnd - it's not a sign of weakness. i think you are brave and strong :)
    l
    x

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  22. thanks for sharing Gina. i found this very interesting as I have started taking any anxiety drugs just a couple of months ago. when i started it was really just to get my shit together to face uni and to face doing my teaching prac. it seems to have helped, but i now realise i don't have an exit plan. i don't see myself as someone who needs to take pills everyday for the rest of my life, but maybe i do. i'm glad you are happy in yourself with your choice.

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  23. There's such a huge pressure that we're all going to be just awesome and natural at this parenting thing and its just so bloody hard. It shifts who you are and challenges you in ways you never thought possible, from birth trauma to feeling alone and out of control, we are challenged daily. Fact is we all need help to do it and sometimes medication is just the kind of support we need, on top of community and everything else... Thanks for sharing such an honest post, Gina. Huge love to you, beautiful Mama.

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  24. Thanks for posting about your PND experience. I have a dear friend who was hit hard with PND with her second child and feel so bad for all the months she struggled (major understatement!) before she started on the medication.

    Your thoughts on how it'd all go before your first baby was born pretty much mirror mine :-) I couldn't believe the day 3 blues weren't about being sad about the baby... but being overwhelmed with love for him :-) those hormones gave me a good kicking! But thankfully I didn't get PND, it would have been a complete disaster given our remote location.

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  25. You know what?
    If you were on medication for any other problem ... say diabetes or asthma ... there would be absolutely no shame or guilt associated with "being medicated".
    And likewise, there should be absolutely no shame associated with the medication that you take.
    There is such stigma in society (although it IS improving) about mental illness and its treatments.
    A blog post like this goes a long way to reducing that stigma ... showing other readers of your blog that mental illness is treatable and manageable.
    That people with mental illness are capable of great things (like that quilt you're sitting in front of in the last photo ... L.O.V.E.)
    That being a parent is universally hard and the more we share our troubles with each other, the more we can support each other to overcome them.
    You are completely ACE!!!
    Andi x

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  26. I applaud your honesty and bravery for sharing.

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  27. Just another reason why you are so awesome. I have always thought you were so honest and raw with your blog posts, telling us about your family, belief in God, crafting and your eco choices. Gina I think you found the perfect solution to suit you and if it works you should stick with it.

    I was medicated as child in primary school right through to year 12 for ADD. Certainly not my choice but I went off it once and there was a shocking difference in my behaviour so back on I went. It wasn't until I learnt the tools to be independent that I understood how I can control my own feelings and reactions. Like you crafting helped to control my feelings when not on meds. I am still learning though and without Carlos I would probably be back on some sort of medication. It's takes a lot of strength to choose meds and it takes the same amount of strength to go off. Either way you have made the right choice for you obviously!! You Rock!!

    I am so proud of you. I can't imagine having those feelings you felt when you first had your little boy... Your a trouper !!

    ps... getting a bike attachment next week for Bear and Bubble... freedom here I come!!!

    xo Steph

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  28. I am a medicated mother/person too. And apart from wondering a little about the long term effects of medicine, I have no problems with being so. I do have a problem, though, with remembering to take them and hating to even visit the doctor for the next script so I have times where I forget or am running around on partial amounts. Eventually the negativity rears it's ugly head. When that happens I am always amazed at what a difference the tablets really make to my life. With them I am a very positive person, able to control my emotions (except the crying one) and get a fair amount done. Without them I cannot even drive for 1/2 an hour. So here's looking at the rest of my life on these tablets for the sake of myself and also others. And NOT being ashamed of my 'happy pills'. And thankyou for let those of us in the same boat know that we are not alone. Cherrie

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  29. Hi Gina,

    What a brave and honest post. Thank you for sharing this experience with your female readers, I am sure each one of us gained something from it. Good on you for doing exactly what you feel is right without apology. xo m.

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  30. Gina, thank you so much for sharing this story... you make all those thoughts floating around in my head about my own anxiety make sense... xxoxoxo

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  31. Thanks for this post. Honest, helpful, thoughtful and articulate (as always, might I add).

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  32. Take a bow love, take a bow....you nailed it!!! Huge hugs and kisses to you from me MMMMMwwwwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhh xx

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  33. You are so much more than OK. Brilliant, generous, warm, smart, fun, creative, honest, true, kind, reflective. These are the words that I think of when I think of you.

    I was going to add the same comment that Andi made. If it were diabetes or asthma you wouldn't have any expectation of yourself to be able to cure yourself of the illness.

    I think the heart of it is just as you have said "medication does not make me the mother that I am". It's the choices we make that make us who we are.

    And the other thought that comes to mind is that being broken is what makes us whole.

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  34. Bless you.

    A family member who's been on anti-depressants for years says she finally accepted that for her, needing medication is the same as needing glasses. There's a part of her physical makeup that doesn't quite function properly but by using the right aid she doesn't notice it.

    I sometimes wonder where I stood on the PND scale with Jack. I had a truly awful time, but when I listen to people who had PND I can recognise there's still something different between their awful time and mine.

    Thankyou for sharing.

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  35. sitting here at work with tears in my eyes. From one medicated mother to another (in how many other ways are we alike...!) you are more than ok, you are fabulous, made in God's image and dearly loved.
    Your post is well written and composed, so glad you worked throught the jumble of thoughts in your blogger. What is so weird is that I have a similar jumble in my blogger - titled "acknowlegding the black dog". Hoping to get it together and post soon.
    lots of love xx

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  36. Truly awesome post. I agree. Being at home with small children is a really vulnerable time of life (I can say that looking back)and they need the best from us so it's no time to be proving anything to yourself by battling without the help of meds. I admire your decision making process. Congrats.

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  37. The strength you have shown with this post has made me cry. You are better than OK, so much better and so brave and strong for surviving the horribleness of PND. I remember those early days when I felt like I was sliding down a slippery slope... you are a rpoud brave strong woman who is fabulous and clever and talented. I am sending you the biggest hugs for sharing such a personal story with all of us.xxxxxxxxx

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  38. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I've just read the post and all the comments and it says something about how prevalent depression is when you read those comments whose authors say they have experienced it, they DO have it or they know someone with it. Is it modern life? Is it the expectation of modern motherhood? Is it just talked about more these days? Your candid post is a wonderful eye opener for those who have never experienced despression and very reassuring for those who have. As already mentioned Gina you'more than OK, w.a.y. m.o.r.e than OK!!! Huge hugs going out to you. xx

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  39. So much love to you Gina! That was a very brave post to write. I wonder if you feel better now its out. We need to be kinder and easier on ourselves as Mothers, it is a crazy, full on journey and I'm sure we are all doing the best we can with what we have. Thank you for this post. I think you are so much more than ok. You are a wonderful, strong, talented woman. XX

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  40. I am not a mother, but as I neared the end of your post I had tears in my eyes. Not because I have suffered PND as such, but because I have suffered through depression and anxiety and have shared many of your emotions and feelings.

    In some ways I also feel ashamed or weak because I have had to resort to medication, but reality is that it has made me better able to cope with life and move on. Surely at the end of the day that is all that matters?

    Thank you for being so brave to share your experience with PND so openly and articulately, and reminding me that I am not alone.

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  41. Gina, your honesty is beautiful. I was teary reading this and looking at the early photo of you and W. Love you lots - and am even done exams tomorrow, so maybe we could even hang out!

    Cat

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  42. Ahhh Gina you are quite the marvel!

    Always honest & oh so fabulous.

    My biggest concern is that you have been crafting for such a small amount of time & are already so brilliant!

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  43. What a wonderful and open post. I wish I had seen posts like this when I suffered with PND with my first child. I suffered with it for 15 months before going to see my doctor about it and I so wish I had gone sooner. No one else really noticed as I was so good at keeping it all inside and as Anya didn't really sleep I could blame it all on tiredness. Being on medication really helped and I had no qualms at all about going back onto the tablets when my second child was born. Talking about it does help and it will slowly change perception of what many consider a 'shameful' secret. That's certainly what I thought it was when I was diagnosed with PND. Now I'm the mum at the school gates who talks about it and many other mums seem relieved that they aren't the only ones who have suffered with it.

    Gosh that wasn't meant to be quite so long a post :)

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  44. Gina what an amazing post.
    I agree totally with Andi and Cathy about how there should be no stigma associated with PND, as with any other illness.
    That said - it was still a very brave and honest thing that you did posting about it as I can only imagine how very hard that was to do.
    I'm so glad someone recognised your illness early and helped you get appropriate treatment quickly.

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  45. Thank you for being so open and sharing this with us, Gina. It's nothing to be ashamed of indeed, when you are courageous enough to seek help and strong enough to accept that you can use a little. We all can, at times, and often enough we are too proud to ask for or find help.

    From what I can tell from all the way here you're more than ok. You're great. Great on many levels, including motherhood.

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  46. What a great post this is Gina!
    You are such a kind and helpful lady to find these words, it will/does help people feel like they are not the lone ranger!
    xxxx Love to you! Michele

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  47. Thank you for telling your story.
    x

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  48. You are so so much more than ok Gina, you are AMAZING! What a fantastic, beautifully written post. I had to read it twice to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I am so glad for you that you were surrounded by helpful supportive people and you were able to get help early. So much of what you shared about your early feelings reminded me of how I felt after the birth of my daughter. I shared these feelings with numerous people and every time was assured I was perfectly fine. I look back now and feel so angry because it seems so obvious to me that I needed some more focused help.

    Anyway this is not about me it's about you! Thank you again for sharing this story and those gorgeous photos of you and your boys! xxx

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  49. Thank you so much for your beautiful honesty. You have given me so much to think about. The words in your profile - "a recovering perfectionist, enjoying being just good enough"- have been going around in my head a lot lately.

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  50. thank you for your honesty about this difficult and personal issue. i know others are feeling like i am right now - like you put into words so much of my own experiences. i too hit brick walls when i first looked for help post partum. i had two babies, 14 months apart, and the 2nd never slept and cried all.the.time. our regular doctor told me to up my vitamin b and hire a babysitter.

    luckily, i didn't listen to him or my husband, who was firm in his belief that i didn't need a pill to help me. and i worry for the women who give up, who spiral deeper, because they can't find the strength to look further for help. my ob started me on meds and "the real me" returned. my skeptical husband now says he never wants me to stop taking them!

    i'm a medicated mother. and i'm ok. xo

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  51. your honesty is refreshing! thank you for being so brave to share something so personal! x

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  52. I cannot tell you enough how much I applaud you for that post. It astounds me that in this day and age, PND is still something women are not able to openly discuss without feeling ashamed or judged. You are an inspiration to so many women who are suffering PND - you show there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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  53. I think that this is the real beauty of blogs, sharing part of yourself selflessly. I can imagine it would be hard to decide to share but I think the more talk the better it is for people to realise we are all different and handle things differently and that IS OK regardless of subject. And there is amazing amount of strength to accept help too.
    x

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  54. That was an awesome post!

    I found you via crafting but saw this post first. An impressive introduction to you

    Thank you

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  55. Wow - what an amazing post.
    I can relate to much of what you wrote.
    I had PPD and it was very very very dark. It hit me by surprise. At 36 years old when I had my baby I had never experienced any mental issues, never anticipated that I would be depressed after having my gorgeous miracle baby. Never thought it would happen to me. Denial? It was an awful time and I am SO glad I got help. SO proud of my loved ones for supporting me as they did.

    Thank you for sharing this.

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  56. What a wonderfully honest and inspiring post.

    This is an issue that so needs to be talked more about, so I'm really glad you did.

    And I'm sorry that you your pride was hurt in choosing to take up your medication again. We mothers are really good at imposing shoulds on ourselves.

    Something I've been trying to do recently is to think about whether I'd judge someone else in the same situation the way that I'm judging myself. (I am SUCH a bitch to myself at times, it's kind of ridiculous when I pay attention.) And I just try to let that judgment go, or replace it with something nicer, which tends to make more sense.

    Anyway it's wonderful that you're acting on what you know is best for yourself. Many women don't.

    Take care.

    P.S. I'm with Tricia.

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  57. Dear Gina, you are the coolest, cutest, most awesome mum. This was a beautifully written post. I admire you and salute you. I think you're awesome. Thank you for sharing this (and your beautiful photos). You are cute to boot. x

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  58. I love you.
    You are amazing.
    Be proud of yourself for seeking and receiving help when you need it. Such a hard thing to do. Be proud that you have such a great support network (as evidenced by all the posts above). Be proud that you are an inspiration to others, in this and other things.
    I love you!

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  59. I love that last photo! it says a lot. there are some quite outstanding comments too. I was a medicated mum until about 2 months ago when I finally came off the last slither of a pill. I went on the happy pills for my son - he didn't need a mum who was as big a mess as I was. And now I hold my breathe while I monitor each negative feeling, checking, checking all the time that I am not headed back there. But like you I am ready to just get right back on the medication if I do because my boy and life is worth more than feeling so awful. thank you for a wonderful post.

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  60. Wonderful, brave, poignant post Gina. My story is similar and I have embraced the pills until my youngest has left home! Well, perhaps not, but we'll see. XO

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  61. What a beautifully written post. I read your post twice to make sure I didn't miss anything. I love your honesty, thank you so much for sharing.

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  62. Echo...so much more than OK Gina. You're one of the really good ones.

    Just a fabulous post.

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  63. Thank you so much for writing this Gina... I know it would not have been easy. I can see from the other comments that it means so much to a lot of people and I'm adding my voice to the chorus. You are amazing and so very generous and wonderful for putting it out there. Thank you :) Kx

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  64. What a beautiful, real, genuine & honest message which will no doubt help so many ladies. You're awesome & i'm absolutely thrilled to see what an enormous response of support you've evoked. Congratulations isn't the right word, so perhaps well done on your post, comments & thoughts. Love Posie

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  65. Good for you-it's hard to be so transparent online...I know your story will help a lot of other mommies.
    God Bless,
    Jana

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  66. Thank you for this wonderfully honest post.

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  67. How strange. It's the first time I have been to your blog and can't work out how I got here....but then I read your post and it was like I had written it.

    The only difference is that my kids are a little older by a few years, and I, like you, went on and then off medication (because I felt ok), spiralled down for almost a year, and only a month or two ago went back on, but on to Pristiq. I haven't told anyone. But damn I feel good.

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  68. I too struggle with anxiety which came out of nowhere after the birth of my daughter. I can totally relate to all the guilt you felt but I'm pushing through. I've realized the meds help me to be me and be the mom I want to be. There is no shame in it. Thank you for being honest! Stop by if you want to chat...
    Stephanie
    www.simplicitymom.blogspot.com

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  69. Raw honesty - not too common. I applaud you Gina. Not only for sharing you story in such an open & honest format but for recognising your own pattern of health and taking control of it - that is a very powerful skill Gina. Whilst your craft has clearly been cathartic, You writing must also be measured as the same - you write beautifully. Thank you. Peta

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  70. I'm ok, you're ok.
    thank-you for sharing x

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  71. finding it hard to write a coherent sentence after reading this post - I just want to say THANK YOU...(and I think you're amazing)

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  72. Gina, just fantastic. Eloquent, moving, and sharing something really important. You are definitely one of the most ok people I am honoured to know.

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  73. Thank you. Our daughter is working her way through PND, found taking the pills a sign of failure, I guess, took herself off medication, went backwards, now on them again and a huge improvement. Your post gave my husband and I great insight into what she is feeling. Thank you for your honest and clear words.

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  74. Gina, thank you for sharing your experiences with PND, it is just amazing how far you have come since it, well done on being so brave and sharing your story with everyone, you are way more than 'ok' you are wonderful, smart and gorgeous. Your comments to me are always so insightful and I always think how good a head you have on your shoulders and how in touch and understanding you are (as well as telling it like it is which we all need from time to time).
    xx

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  75. This kind of post, which is so hard to write and post, can never be anything but a benefit to the rest of the world. Not only have you gotten it off your chest- which it seems you really needed to do- and helped a lot of people dealing with the same type of issue- as evidenced by all the responses here-, you have also opened the door to this issue to those of us who have not experienced it and given us very valuable insight. What a great service you have provided.

    I did not go thru this, but have been dealing with a husband who finally got on anti-depressants after years of denial that there was a problem. I know it has helped him, but he still sees it as a form of weakness.

    Maybe one day, people will not associate negatives with these treatments. How can it be negative when you get your life back? My best to you and thanks for sharing this very personal issue.

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  76. OK? You're an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.

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  77. Hear Hear! I call my SSRI my best friend, that is, after Jesus and but before my DH. For me,everything changed (how I coped with life) and yet, nothing had changed (my life situations.)

    Because you shared, someone or many will recognize PND/PPD or other depression and will have the idea and courage, that meds can make a big difference. And that is a good thing.

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  78. Thank you for this post.
    I also had PPD (postpartum depression--what it is called in the U.S.) after I had my baby. I tried so hard to be in control and to fight the feelings that I had. I felt weak and ashamed for feeling so awful when I was so so lucky to have my beautiful boy and my wonderful husband. I resisted treatment until it *very* nearly became postpartum psychosis. Thank goodness DH and my midwife held me back from that precipice. Finally I agreed to take medication. And then, 2 months ago, I had a similar experience when I tried to give up the medicine. I'm finally okay with taking it.

    I just want to thank you for sharing. This is a topic not often written about and I think you are very brave.

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  79. Thanks for sharing. I struggled through the same thing for 2 children because I never thought I could have Post Pardom Depression - since I was connected to my kids, I didn't have what were the classic signs of PPD and when I went for my 6 week check up I answered all the questions and I was told I was fine. But I was most definately not fine. After the birth of my 2nd child I realized that I was also not alone. Many a night searching the internet I found another side of PPD, not the disconnect or feeling that I would hurt my own child, but the feeling of incompetence, helplessness, being overwhelmed, it was more than "normal". Good for you that someone helped you early, and good for you for sharing, you may help someone else.

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  80. Wow... Your honesty and laying it all down is nothing short of amazing. A topic way too often hushed up and talked of in whispered tones.
    Thank you....

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  81. Such a beautiful post, Gina. I've come in late but have come over all tingly at your honesty and eloquence. Just Ace! Thank you x

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  82. Thank you for this wonderful post! I can totally relate although I am now at the other end of the scale. I have 2 lovely boys and in hindsight I am pretty sure that I suffered PND with the second birth. I did get some homeopathic help which did work a bit but not totally. 6 years later I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and had an inability to cope with any new pressures. I am going thru menopause and am pretty sure that hormonal cocktail has not helped the situation. The long and the short of it is that now I too am a medicated mother.

    Thank you for pointing out that it is not a fault but we now can choose to be better mothers. without the medication I too do not have that ability to choose. :-)

    From one mother to another who knows and has been there....Bless you xx

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  83. Very, very late I know, but I was just cruising and found this. I'm medicated too and I love my pills. I didn't feel gloom or anxiety just massive, massive amounts of fuming anger this time round. First time I was in a fog and I didn't care. I soooo wish I'd realised then that there's nothing wrong with medication. I'm sure you've helped a lot in getting that message out.

    I actually decided on getting help when seeing another blogger admit to it. Will be visiting your blog regularly!

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  84. Hello, first time reader to your blog. I read your post with great interest. Along with many other commenters here, I had a similar experience.

    I was also hospitalized 3 times during and after pregnancy for depression and anxiety. I finally got on the right medication and managed to muddle my way through the first 2 years.

    My baby is now 27 months and it's just now that I'm returning to a semblance of my old self. Some experts in this form of depression believe that it can take up to 2 years for the body to return to itself completely. It sounds like you got pregnant with your second right around the same time your body would have been finished with the full postpartum period so maybe it's not that you can't go off medication one day, but that now you just have to wait an additional two years to recover from the second birth.

    In any case, there's no shame in taking medication when called for and people who think differently are lacking in compassion. As a doctor told me once, our children need healthy, sane mothers who are capable of taking care of themselves. Medication is just another way of taking care of yourself so that you can be the best mama possible.

    You have a lovely family and a great blog. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas.

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